LOVE, HATE AND REMORSE

Possiblyfication

2011-01-22T09:52:00.001-08:00

Bret is staring intently at his glass of whisky. Deep in thought. His best friend Lohan, looking a bit irritated, is somehow trying to figure out what’s running in his friend’s mind. Curious.

“Lohan…know what?…I’m the luckiest man in the world”

“Huh…what makes you think you’re so lucky?”

the staring continues.

“Bret?!...”

the staring continues and this time Bret slowly revolves the glass clockwise while looking lovingly at the glass, as if in a trance.

“Bret!!!....”

No answer.

Lohan reaches out and taps Bret’s glass with a spoon, almost immediately breaking Bret’s fixation.

“huh…Wh-what?”

“Bret! Snap out of it…you look like a hypnotized horse…you’ve probably had one drink too many…”

“No…not exactly…I’ve just been thinking…”

“thinking??? About what?”

“about stuff…”

“For the love of God…either you tell me more about it or am leaving right away. I don’t want to bear witness to more of your staring sessions…”

Bret was taken aback with Lohan’s irritation. He soon realized how irritating it would have been for Lohan to just watch him stare at his glass for over 15 minutes at a stretch.

“alright…sorry about it…”

“good…now out with it…”

“hmmmmm...i’ve been thinking about this theory I’ve come up with….”

He paused. Just to make sure Lohan was listening to him. Indeed he was all ears.

“go on…”

“I’ve had almost everything I ever wanted in life in the last three years. Food, money, women, fame, status, respect etc. Sometimes I didn’t deserve it, but still I got it anyway. It wasn't always like this. I was nothing back then and all of a sudden i have everything that asserts me as a successful man”

“hmmmm…” reaffirmed Lohan.

“I actually have a secret that probably was the cause of all the luck…may sound stupid.”

“Go on. You’ve said stupider things before so I won’t be surprised…” grinned Lohan.

Bret looked unperturbed.

“Whenever I’m faced with a situation where I want something or someone or want something done…I always close my eyes for a moment, imagine that I’m the subject of interest doing what I want for me”

“huh?! You lost me somewhere in the middle of that sentence. Can you please explain?”

Bret shuffled in his seat, sprung out his arms in front of him and bent forward slightly to explain.

“Now lets imagine that you’re the subject of interest…”

“Woah…I know I’m an interesting person but your “interest” isn’t exactly in my avenue…”Lohan grinned at his mischievous joke.

Bret sat still. Raised his eyebrows questionably.

“was that supposed to be funny dim wit?”

“Sorry…probably the whiskey got me…go on”

“with a friend like you…not so lucky after all…” murmured Bret.

“Sorry?! What was that?”

“nothing was just wondering where I was cut off…oh yeah…the beginning!” Sarcastically replied Bret.

Lohan scoffed childishly.

“C’mon go on now…I will clam up for a while…” said Lohan, deepening his voice trying to affirm that he meant it.

Bret had got used to Lohan's untimely humour so he didn't seem to mind it much. They had been friends for the last three years and Lohan had seen Bret evolve from being just a scrap of society to someone significant.

“Good…so I was saying…lets assume I want a favour from you…like I needed a thousand bucks…if I asked you normally you might not want to part with it as you know I won’t give it back…but what I do instead is i close my eyes, think I’m you and tell myself “I have to give Bret a thousand bucks and never want it back”. I concentrate on that thought for a few seconds and then open my eyes…and after a while when I ask you for the money you give it to me without a moment’s hesitation and never want it back…”

“interesting…so are you telling me you can screw around with somebody’s mind to get what you want?”

“precisely! But that’s only possible with stuff that doesn’t harm him much…”

“well parting with a thousand bucks would mean I would have to be on an oats meal diet for a month and get screamed at in my face by my landlord for not paying my rent…if you would call that ‘harm’”

Bret sighs.

“lets just say…not something extreme…like asking the person to jump off a cliff. That wouldn’t work”

“I see…hard to believe though”

“At first it was for me too but then when I found the favorable results streaming in I found it hard not to believe”

“is that how you convinced the bank to fund you for your business?”

“yes indeed. Imagine walking into a bank without a penny in your pocket and not having an account with them, you still get to walk out with a $500,000 cheque.”

“you son of a gun…I should have guessed. I was there with you the whole while and I didn’t notice this. So what else have you tried this on?”

“remember that blonde chick at the bar last week you bet was way out of my league and that I won’t get as far as asking her her name?”

“yes…you eventually went home with her”

“mind works my friend…mind works”

“So you knew I was gonna lose the bet even before we bet…ok…now I need my $100 back.”

“heh heh heh…and you remember that jackpot we won at the fair? I consider that as my greatest hit…I knew I had a bad aim…for God’s sake I can’t throw a roll of paper into the dustbin a meter away but on that day somehow I shot that tin can off the top of the rack to win the $500 reward. Man was that awesome.” He grinned, reveling in the thoughts.

Lohan grinned too.

“so thus I’ve been able to get whatever I want just like that!”

“that’s really unbelievable…” the emotion in his voice was a tad less than it should have been.

“You know what? Let me show you how it’s done. Hmmmmmm. You see that huge bottle of champagne?”

“of course…there it is…enticing little bastard”

“yeah…heh heh heh…we’ll have it on the house…”

“you’re kidding me right?”

“No way….just give me a minute. Stay quite and observe.”

Bret glanced once at the female bar tender, mentally capturing her image and closed his eyes. Moments later he opened his eyes.

“So?” asked Lohan questioningly.

“So let’s just wait and watch”

“Do you seriously think this is gonna work?”

“Wait and watch…” reassured Bret. He was rather relaxed with an air of confidence that was overwhelming Lohan.

Soon sure enough the bar tender struggled over to our desk carrying the huge bottle of champagne.

Lohan looked on in amazement.

“Gentlemen…you’ve been selected randomly among our guests tonight to enjoy this bottle of champagne.”

“Wh-what? A-are you serious?” blurted Lohan.

“yes. Now hold on to this big fella while I get you a couple of glasses to have it in.”

“Yes please.” Smiled Bret charmingly.

The lady carefully placed the bottle on their desk and purposefully walked away towards the bar and returned soon with a couple of glasses. All the while Lohan was looking a bit pale which Bret assumed that his demonstration had been a bit too much for Lohan to digest.

“You’re a freak, you know that right?”

“I prefer calling it a gift…God’s gift”

“Shoot…I’ve never seen anything like that before”

Bret thought that Lohan’s statement was a bit artificial but he bought it anyways.

“Now that you noticed you’ll see more if stick around”

“I would love to…”

Bret again sensed a bit of artificiality in Lohan’s voice. He chose to ignore.

“So you know what my next plan is?”

“tell me about it…”

“Do you remember that diamond necklace we eyed on our way to this bar this evening?”

“Oh…Don’t tell me you’re planning to have it gifted to you…”

“in fact I am. Wanna gift it to Marley.”

“Marley?/??? The Marley Jane?”

“yup…that’s her…the girl we thought we could never floor. Bumped into her last month at the bar. We got to talking, one thing led to another and so we’re officially seeing each other right now.”

“But..but how can that be? You just picked up a girl last week from the same bar? What was that all about?”

“Oh well you know. There are too many pretty women out there. Hard to ignore.” Said Bret in a matter of fact way.

“But that would mean you’re ‘officially’ cheating on Marley. Wouldn’t it?”

Lohan sounded a bit irritated.

Bret suddenly realised he shouldn’t have brought it up. Lohan had always respected women and their sentiments. He had been honest to his girlfriends of the past but somehow he lacked the charm to sustain their interest for long. But still somehow he believed women deserved to be treated well.

Avoiding Lohan’s glare, Bret decided, was the best option. Bret deliberately showed no emotion on his face. Stone faced he quietly uncorked the champagne bottle, holding it by it’s neck, signaled to Lohan

“are you gonna help me tilt this or are you gonna just sit there and mumble all night along?”

With a fixed frown on his face, Lohan quietly obliged and they managed to fill their glasses to the brim.

“Here’s to us and for a very happy…” Bret was preparing to raise his glass.

“So…do you plan to continue this? More one night stands behind Marley’s back?”

“Lohan?...C’mon man! Seriously! You’re just making a mountain out of a molehill? Remember fun? I was just trying to have fun…”

“Do you not see the point? It’s cheap! What you’re doing to her is against my principles. I can never imagine my friend treating women like a commodity” Lohan was clearly appalled by Bret’s behaviour.

Bret was trying his best to make light of the situation, not realizing, he was only making it worse.

“I think im making up for what I lost in college” Bret joked nervously.

Lohan was fuming now. His eyes were burining into Bret’s.

Bret realised his ill timed jokes weren’t helping him defuse the situation.

“Nonsense! You’re bloody grown up man now. You should have a control over yourself.” Now Lohan was almost screaming.

His outbreak was attracting curious stares around the bar. Though there were just a handful of people they were now all wondering what the heated argument was all about.

“I-I don’t w-wanna talk about this anymore…It’s..” Bret struggled to find words to fit in. He was feeling more embarrassed that he was being screamed at by his own friend over a seemingly meager issue.

“Lohan…relax…we’ll talk about this on our way back…”

“No. We’re not letting this off the hook. Marley is such a good person. Why don’t you let her go and dance around with as many bimbos as you want? For being such a caring girlfriend she doesn’t deserve all this. She is way out of your league either ways”

suddenly a frown seemed to materialize on Bret’s forehead.

“out of my league?” there was a touch of irritation in his cold voice.
”yes! Look at you….” Points his hands accusingly at Bret’s shabby dress and a half shaven face that was making him look a bit haggard.

“well yes maybe…but my power works, so I can have anyone I want…if tomorrow she finds out I will just use my power to make her forgive me…” a victorious smile appeared out of nowhere on his face.

“you used your power on her?” Lohan guffawed.

“yes I did…what’s so funny about it? You still don’t believe it?” Bret was surprised that in spite of his perfect demonstration Lohan didn’t seem to have believe him.

“that’s impossible..” Lohan looked amused now. Bret was wondering how a tantrum throwing friend suddenly turned into a mysteriously laughing Buddha.

“it was. It is and always be possible. I used my power to get her into my life…” Bret was trying his best shot at trying to convince him again.

“no way. Am not buying that one. Ha ha ha…no f*****g way…”

“why not?...i can get her to do anything I want….that’s my gift…what makes you think otherwise?” the hint of irritation grew stronger in his voice each passing moment.

Bret was dangerously intrigued.

“because I wasn’t there…” Lohan blurted out. Then sensing what he had said he turned pale.

“What? That didn’t make any sense. Why would you being there or not make any difference?”

Lohan turned around and threw a quick glance around the bar. The curious heads had turned away now.

He took a moment or two. His mind seemed to be flurrying with thoughts. Then he let out a heavy breath as if clearing out his mind off a confusion and then leaned forward towards his friend.

“I haven’t told you this but I’m the reason you have everything in your life.”

“WHAT?” Bret hadn’t expected this. “what do you mean?”

“the power of making things possible is mine. Not yours.”

“W-what the f***? Are you f****** kidding me?”

“no. it sounds hard to believe doesn’t it?. Well. Whenever you got all those things in your life, you always found me beside you congratulating you…didn’t you?”

Bret, shell shocked, took a while to think about it and replied weakly

“y-yes”

“Whenever you wished for something I made it come true. The first few times I could sense you wanted them so I used my power to get them for you. Later on as you got more verbal with your liking you only made it easier for me. You thought it was because of a power you had suddenly inherited that those things were happening? Sorry to disappoint you my friend. It was me all the while. This champage bottle right here including.”

“W-what? Wh-wh….wait a minute you’re a f****** liar…..how come you didn’t get things done for yourself? Why are you still in a rented house struggling to pay rent? In a low paying job? Single? You’re just trying to mind f*** me”

“no I’m not. My answer to all those questions is simple. I just wanted to live life like a normal person, do normal things, make a living of my own hard work, not off a freak power that ended up with me….the only mistake I did was helping you out. If you remember when I met you three years ago you were almost broke, jobless, struggling your living off a meager pay you got irregularly at a hotel you worked part time as a waiter. I thought if not me I could help make someone else’s life better and thus your good times started”

“I can’t believe this…I just can’t…” Bret was thoroughly confused and completely demoralized. He was continuously shaking his head.

“prove it to me” Bret tried to fight back.

“I don’t have to, you will realise it over the next few days or probably tonight because the point is I’m not gonna be around you…I don’t want to be friends with you anymore…I will appreciate it if you don’t try getting in touch with me for anything henceforth. Godspeed Bret. Godspeed”

On his signal the waitress came to their table and presented the cheque. Lohan quietly paid his share and exited the bar, caught a cab and was on his way home.

Bret, still sitting at the bar, wished this night had never happened. He realised he was too late.

By Hallay

Because............

2009-07-16T02:30:00.001-07:00

Finally she looked at me today….

Straight into my eyes…it was just for a second or two but still…

Finally the bright idea of deliberately prattling out the lamest of answers paid off….

This was what I had been waiting for….

This was what I had been wanting for so long…..nearly a year…..

Tracey….Elizabeth Tracey…noticed me today…

I’ve been helplessly head over heels in love with her for just as long as our course had commenced.

Ever since the first day I’ve always wanted to see her…

that strand of rich brown hair that kissed her cheeks, that delicious smile that decorated her lips, her beautiful inquisitive eyes, her perfect nose….her quick paralyzing gaze which was more than enough to give me the shivers…her smile that gave me a reason to get out of bed everyday and put me at ease late in the night…

Her gorgeous smile was my daily diet….

She fueled me on…the very thought of her made me feel life was not as bad as it seemed.

She was popular at college.

She was very amiable and always flashed a quick hypnotic smile at people.

She never smiled at me.

Many a times she went past me without sharing as much as a stare, as if I was a diaphanous screen.

She stuck to her gang of friends comprising of a nerdish looking guy named Sid, an equally nerdish looking Jessica, fondly known as Jez and an annoyingly handsome guy named Ted.

They were with her throughout.

During the lectures, during lunch, in the evenings…

Especially Ted.

That irritated me.

I had this feeling that she fancied him in that gang as he was rich, stylish and the best looking guy in college, an automatic enticement for many other girls.

Both were quite bright when it came to academics. But I always managed to score slightly more than Ted.

Of course it went unnoticed.

I was competing alone from the start.

Rumors had it that they were dating and that Ted’s parents were delighted with her.

I wasn’t surprised.

Who couldn’t like her? She was so likeable. So pleasant. So beautiful.

But the difference was……..

Everybody liked her but…… I loved her.

She was everything I wanted….she was everything I dreamed of…

In my 23 years of placid existence on earth I’ve never been so excited….so interested in anything….for so long I was just all Jake about my life but now here she was….

Here she was….so beautiful….sitting right in front of me, fiddling around with her pen, probably bored with the lecture….

The lecture dragged on for a while….

While the others grumbled about the irrelevant nature of the conversation that lecturer had struck up with Sid, I reveled in the thought of her having cast a glance at me.

I took a meagre satisfaction than outright rejection.

Oh! that look. That half amused, half bored look.

I’ve seen that look many time. So many times that I could actually predict the movement of her facial muscles.

I was lost in her thought….

Then it happened….

A sudden pain shot through the back of my neck. I howled and toppled off the chair and landed on the floor, still in pain.

Some in the crowd laughed hysterically while others sympathized.

Surprised and equally offended by the commotion the Professor rushed over to by my side.

“What in heaven’s name is happening here?”

A bit dazed but embarrassed I replied “ I..i..don’t know sir…something hit me on the back of my neck”

I noticed a thick black book lying by the side of my chair.

“Looks like someone threw a book at you my dear….now who could that be?”

His gaze shifted in a habitual manner towards the guy in the last bench.

“Mr.Andrew I really do hope that you have a faint idea as to who this book belongs to?”

Andrew, the bully of our class, was always up to some bilious activity or the other.

He was known for his short fuse and raging temper.

I was one of his favourite targets.

A rythemic movement of his mouth suggested that he was chewing gum, which quite assumably, strangely though, the professor chose to ignore.

“Well…how am I supposed to know?…you might wanna check with the library….”

Some guffaws followed.

A smirk fleeted across his face when the words rolled out of his mouth.

“Oh is it? So you are familiar with the word library…that begs me to assume that you might use the facility atleast up to the minimum of your severely malnourished intellectual capabilities to avoid sneaking into my cabin after college requesting for a pass grade like you did last year.”

The class burst into laughter at this. I did too. Much to the embarrassment and annoyance of the 6.4 foot giant.

He was verbally challenged but his ripping muscles and aggressive body language were his ally in creating turmoil at the college.

He grunted and hesitatingly exited the class, still being followed by boos and cuckoo calls from the crowd.

“Loser!”

“Pipsqueak”

“Going to call your mama are you little boy?”

“Fuck you!” he screamed on his way out. He sounded quite pissed.

“Ladies and gentlemen….If all of you are done with throwing books around can we please get back to page number 250 and….”

He went on with his lecture.

I rubbed the back of my neck profusely. I was still a bit dazed.

“Hey…Are you alright?”

The voice was familiar.

It was her!

“So-sorry?”

“I asked if you were alright? That must have been quite a nasty blow.”

“Well…-er-…yeah…-er-…am good…fine…-er-..”

”Good....Andy is such a jerk....anyways take care...“

At that she turned around and immersed herself into her book leaving behind a pleasantly surprised soul.

She spoke to me.

She asked me to take care. She showed concern.

That was so sweet of her.

This was the first time she had spoken to me.

Thoughts raced around in my mind.

At last I had the chance of being the subject of her conversation. A dream that ruled many nights, finally came true.

There was a loud bang.

The glass of our classroom exploded, sprinkling fine glass all over the classroom floor.

The professor fell to the floor lifelessly.

People screamed.

The door of our class room burst open and Andrew barged into the classroom with an object in his hand.

It was a shotgun.

People screamed again.

He fired a round in the air.

“Everybody shut up” he screamed

He drooled saliva as he screamed.

His eyes menacingly darted from one person to the other.

The gun was firmly held by his strong right arm and with his left hand he grabbed Sid from the first row and flung him towards one corner of the room where he crashed and lay motionless atleast for a good ten minutes.

The professor’s body lay motionless on the floor right beside the teacher’s table.

A pool of blood outlined him as seconds passed by.

Silence prevailed.

A couple of gals were already crying but they clasped their hands around their mouths trying to gag their sobs.

Tracey wasn’t crying, surprisingly. She was obviously horrified at the gruesome scene that was unveiling before her, the strained pale look on her face said it all.

Ted was aghast, he was shivering. Even from a distance I could notice his hands trembling.

I was frozen to my desk. The scene was still sinking into me. I was finding it hard to believe that all this was happening here…in a classroom….

I was just wishing someone woke me up and I could just realize it was a dream.

But that was not so….this was happening….

“So who wants to be Daddy’s next?”

“How about you?” he was gesturing at the gal next to me.

“No!! No..please don’t Andrew…I want to live” her words were half swallowed by her sniffs and sobs and what she said sounded more like an animal in distress.

A deafening noise reverberated through the room.

The girl slumped to the ground. Dead.

He caught her in the forehead.

“Call me a loser will you? Ha ha ha ha…Now who’s the loser huh? WHO’s the F****N LOSER HUH???”

With every word the tone turned more menacing. He was psychotic.

Next he fixed his gaze upon Ted.

“Hey there pretty boy….want some?”

His eyes had a strange twinkle when he said that.

“Plleaaasee for God’s sake let me go…Please don’t do this to me….”

“Well then if it’s not you then I’ll have to take out your girlfriend…shall i? Aaah….Tracey….”

Tracey took a step back. She was horrified. She was staring at her death.

“Please n-not me…anyone but me…” squealed Ted.

Tracey looked at Ted, shocked, then turned towards Andrew.

“So lover boy has ditched you my darling….so where do you want this shot?...Say how about one in the chest?”

He raised the gun and it was clearly aimed at her chest.

Tracey closed her eyes, expecting death any second.

Ted watched on. “bloody F****N coward….” I screamed in my mind.

A wicked smile swept across Andrew’s face. The smile of a psychotic maniac.

Andrew’s fingers quickly moved into position in the trigger socket and was slowly but steadily applying pressure on the trigger.

Tracey waited for the end.

“STOP”

“Let me take it instead…let her go”

These words escaped my mouth.

Everyone gasped.

Andrew shifted his eyes towards me questioningly.

Tracey turned around startled.

I looked into her questioning eyes.

Those pretty beady eyes seemed to ask “Why?”

Andrew interrupted “Oh so now we have a new entrant in this game…I like it…it’s getting better by the second…now people want to die…”

I stepped forward.

“Look here…let her go…I’ll take that bullet instead…”

“Well well…why so for Tracey my foolish friend?”

“Because…………………I love her…”

Andrew guffawed.

Tracey shot a look at me, half surprised, half shocked.

“When in love people give life, not take…” I said.

I shot a quick glance at Ted. I could swear I saw a fleeting moment of guilt on his face. Rightly so.

“But…but…” Tracey couldn’t manage more words.

She broke down.

Each tear that ran down her cheek irritated the sides of my face like acid.

“Please don’t cry….this is the least I could do for you…please”

“Now lets STOP this melodrama!...it’s time to die my dear friend…”

“You chose this girls life over your’s so now pay the price…”

The gun swung in my direction….

The vile smile resurfaced…

Then came the shot…

then came the pain….

The pain spread….

My feet gave away and collapsed.

Breathing was starting to hurt.

Thick warm liquid filled up my mouth and I had to spit it out to realize what it was.

I felt the darkness enveloping me.

I moaned.

My mind raced through my thoughts.

Somehow I couldn’t find regret in the fact that I was dying.

I was giving up my life for the one I loved. Just knowing the fact that I died instead of her eased the pain.

Another sudden bolt of pain shot through my body.

I knew the end was nearing.

I searched for her. That was my last wish. I wanted her image to be burnt in my memory the moment before I died.

I managed to catch one last glimpse of a crying Tracey…

She was looking at me…those beady eyes full of tears…and was that love I saw in her eyes?

Love for me?

Maybe it was…maybe it’s too late…

Then with her image in mind I closed my eyes….one more bolt of pain ran through my body and I lay still…

I somehow didn’t feel dead. Was I sleeping?

I opened my eyes.

The bright light around hurt my eyes at first and then steadily the murky images cleared out.

I was in a hospital ward.

I tried to sit up and a sudden bolt of pain shot through my shoulders and chest.

Then I realized that it was heavily strapped and that I couldn’t move my right hand much.

Bearing with the pain I stretched my neck to look around for other signs of life.

There she was.

By my bed side. Sleeping.

Was I dreaming?

Was that Tracey?

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I looked at her, still trying to convince my mind that it was actually her.

“T-T-Tracey?!”

I muttered.

She immediately lifted her head.

Yes it was her. Great heavens it was her!

Her eyes were swollen from incessant crying. Her hair was untidy.

She looked nothing life the Tracey I knew but..it was her…she was beside my bed looking at me…

“OH! Thank god you’re back. I thought I had lost you”

She clutched my cheeks and kissed me

Suddenly the pain seemed to fade away.

I was lost.

Lost in that moment of glory

Lost in that moment of love.

Her kiss seemed to heal every wound of mine.

My quest for love had reached it’s destination.

She pulled herself away from me and started crying.

Tears of joy.

“W-wat h-happened?”

“After Andrew shot you his gun got jammed and he couldn’t reload for another shot…that’s when the others mobbed him and took him down.”

“We rushed you to the hospital but you had lost a lot of blood by then…he had aimed your chest but had clipped the part between your shoulder and the chest”

“Fortunately we found your blood group among us and made amends for the blood loss…”

“you’ve been unconscious for nearly 4 days now and these four days were the most torturous days of my life…”

“Now you’re back my love…I won’t let you go anywhere”

“Y-you l-love me?!?”

“Yes I do…”

“In that last four days I realized how much must you have loved me to have actually decided to face death itself…I realized how wrong I was in trusting Ted to take care of me and in turn realized your value…if you’re ready to give up your life for me, it’s my duty too to surrender my life to you…im your’s forever my love…I love you”

These words were the words I had been waiting for for my whole life and I had thought i would never get to hear it…that too from the girl I loved!

If this wasn’t heaven..what was?

After all melancholic events in my life finally I was getting what I truly deserved. I was getting love. Long lasting love. True love.

She rested her head on my left arm and looked deep into my eyes.

Her eyes were full of love. Love for me. Those beady eyes….

I stroked a strand of her hair and asked her “So who was the good soul who gave me blood and saved my life?”

She smiled tiredly.

She pulled up her sleeve and showed a puncture mark on her hand.

“I did….we had the same blood group….like you said when in love people give life, not take”

She winked

I smiled.

When we walked in the rain......

2008-07-24T03:17:00.000-07:00

In the rain we walked, so close,
so beautiful was she, my rose,
my heart skipped a beat, so often,
when we walked in the rain

The rain drenched us, i was delighted,
when she smiled, i was elated,
her stare bore a hole in my soul,
when we walked in the rain....

my mind is not with me anymore,
a smile for long i wore,
i lost my senses, i dont know why,
when i walked with you in the rain....

THE SEARCH...........

2008-07-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

Am i who i am, i ask myself,
i dont know the answer, as yet,
i search like never before, in self,
until my dreams are met.

The search is endless i feel,
all thats left in me is nothing,
down defeated i kneel,
life has but clipped my wing.

Am i ready, or am i not?
am i ever going to be??
for ever am i going to rot?
nothing is clear, nothing left to see...

For a new start!

2008-07-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Am i there, am i not?
am i in me or have i rot?
nothingness is so around me,
now emptiness is all i see.

Have i been less of me, more of she?
have i been wat i should never be?
left me bewildered, went far away,
nothin left to do, not a word to say.

Am back to me, and see wats left,
back to life in this deep cleft,
so its just me and my shadow now,
down and out, so low.

Did i hear a voice? its just myself,
in my head sounds an empty self,
so void is me, a hollow unseen,
this is a way i have never been.

More of me is less in me today,
i realise, i never found my way,
built hopes, so painfully untrue,
memories ignite, never a few.

No pain is so more than this,
so full, so much, death seems like bliss,
long since a smile crossed my heart,
but now am limping ahead, for a new start.

- Hallaay

UNFORTUNATELY........ I LOVE YOU.......

2008-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

I love it when you stare into my eyes.
That relentless inescapable trance you trapped me in.
Those eyes, for which a thousand poems would not suffice, enslaved me till eternity.
Those lovely beady pearl like eyes of yours.
Staring at me.
Is that love i see in your eyes?
No...i see something else elusive lurking, behind those beady pupils of yours.
Why? Are you scared?
Don't you trust me?
I know, now its hard to exercise that word on me after what i did, but i did it for you.
You never listened to me. I was always concerned for you, but you always thought i was overreacting.
This time i did what i thought was right.
I beat him up really bad. I broke his arm and almost punctured his lungs.
He is still alive and is lucky to be so.
He won't dare venture into your life again. I have taken care of him.
If he bravely but foolishly does so, next time, i will just have to kill him.
I am not overreacting this time. I did it for your good.
He is harmful for you. He took so many things from you and never gave anything in return.
He took your time, your smile, your thoughts and even managed to take you from me.
I couldn't allow that to happen.
You belong to me.
You love me right? I hope you do.
He doesn't know that. Or does he?
He cant love you more than i do. Can he?
I couldn't just stand there and watch you depart from my life so fluently.
I was pained.
Thats why i beat him up.
I derived immense pleasure in doing so, in the process.
But your reaction was so uncalled for.
Why did you slap me?
It wasn't your slap that hurt. Your tears, that followed, did.
You shed tears for him? Did you have feelings for him??
For that opportunist?
You must be kidding me. He deserved what he got.
He had no rights to take you away from me. He had no rights to get close with you.
He had no rights to put his arms around you in the first place.
Even further, I was devastated to see you flirting with him and eventually kissing his greedy lips the other day. You shared your lips which i was hoping to relish, with him?
How could you do this to me?
In what way was i inferior to him making me less a man than he was??
You knew very well that he was just flirting with you, using you.
To give you more reasons he drank regularly, up till his nose.
Smoked pot more than often and once even on your date!!
Even picked up a girl or two from pubs.
You knew all that.
Why are you attracted to imperfection when i, the perfect guy for you, was waiting, desperate for your love?
Why is it that you were prepared to compromise your life with adulterated beings while you had a pure entity waiting for you in the wings, waiting patiently to sacrifice his whole life for you?
Is your love so elusive and unobtainable? Or am i the undeserving?
Do i have to start off with all those habits, that he epitomizes, for you to just notice my very existence?
If i had to, i would have. All you had to do was tell me.
You cared two hoots for my persistence.
I was so upset i didn't sleep for a week.
I hated you for it. I blamed him for me hating you.
He faced my wrath.
Were you expecting me to stay quiet? I hope you weren't.
You had awakened the beast inside me. He had met it.
Here i am, by your bed side, crying, still in love with you.
Holding your hands and dreaming. Wishing things had been different. Pleasant.
Here you are, still staring at me.
Voila! Those beautiful eyes.
Your eyes seem to be seeing right through me.
Ok now you are making me feel guilty.
My conscience is biting away my confidence.
Am still not sorry for what i did but now that your eyes have complained, i am a bit.
Please don't make me feel like a sick soul. This is tough for me.
I came over to make you understand but....
I tried my best to explain but....
You slapped me, quite hard. I was struck, with disbelief.
Your reprimands infuriated me. Then came your words, the last straw.
I am just your friend? Is that what you said? And thats all i will ever be?? is it?
You meant it didn't you?
Every word of it.
You killed my hopes and wrecked my dreams in a second.
That too without giving it a second thought. Without weighing my feelings for you nor imagining the devastation my life would sustain.
I have come this far for being your friend?
You are so very wrong. I can never think of you just as a friend. You were something much more than that from the very beginning. You were my only hope, in these many years of futile existence, for a happy life ahead.
There have been days when i imagined a life, with you as my better half.
Now all those dreams were to sink unnoticed into the deepest abyss?
Is that all you think of me? You still want that bastard?
You do?
Yes?
Yes.
You prefer imperfection in your life and perfection at bay.
Well then you cant blame me for what i have done.
I hated you after that, my mind was clouded with despair, anger escalated.
My blood boiled and my emotions shot up, requiring a suitable reaction.
Your kitchen gave me an opportunity and you, a reason.
Thats why i slit your throat with the knife and watched you die, slowly.
I was overwhelmed with relief while your blood soaked my shirt. I was elated when you clutched my collar and fell into my arms quietly, dying.
If you weren't mine then you shouldn't be someone else's.
I enjoyed watching you suffer to death, though you suffered only a fraction less than the turmoil i had been through.
You suffered till your last breath. I watched your every struggle, every movement.
Eventually your body gave up.
Your eyes, first filled with horror, disbelief, then calmly stared at me.
Accusing me sedately i thought.
In vain again.
I stared back into your eyes. Smirking.
This was the best solution. The only way i could satisfy myself was by watching you die rather than watching you in his arms, with me dying a slow death then.
Like he stole you from me, i stole you from him.
Sweet revenge.
Now you weren't his. Will never be his. But....
now you weren't mine either.
Realization struck. Late.
Too late.
God what have i done?
I have just mercilessly killed the love of my life.
I drowned myself in tears when i realized what i had done.
I would be prisoned, prosecuted and probably hanged till my tongue sagged.
But what would kill me before that would be the fact that i won't be able to see you again.
Your eyes.Your smile.Your touch. Your memories. Your wriggles before you died. Your stare.
What happened was impulsive.
Madness reigned in that moment in which i lost myself and eventually you.
My love.
I hated you in that moment of unforgivable insanity but i soon realized that, despite what you had did, deep within my heart, sincerely, though unfortunately, i still loved you.
I knew i was too late but the truth is I still loved you.
Will always like ever.
Till death relieves me.
By Hallaay.

LOVE for REMORSE

2008-05-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

19th May 1943, London.
Dear Nancy,
Just realized that i am the unluckiest guy in the world. There might be mighty lot of similarities in my misfortunes and those of other insipid beings on this planet but my greatest misfortune, which in fact outweighs the others out of competition, is that i don't have you, the girl i love, in my life anymore. You have always been that special someone for me ever since the moment i set my dreamy eyes on you. Every word you spoke, every movement of your lips, every turn of your head are burnt forever in my memory. Ever since you entered my life my life has been vibrant and a new ray of hope had illuminated my otherwise dark cell of a life. I had this valiant hope that my life was changing for the better, finally. After years of remorse, deceit and distress i thought this dog was finally having his day. You gate crashed into my life and promised a capsize in fortunes. You gave me sleepless nights and dreamy days. I prayed. I pleaded. I begged God to gift you to me. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to keep you smiling throughout your life. Wanted to live in your every laugh and die time and again in your every tear. Wanted to kiss your lips till eternity and drown in your eyes, filled with love.
I promised myself to keep you happy. Convinced myself that i am your best choice, rather than any other man who was less of a man than i am. I prepared myself for you. My home, my parents, my friends. We were just waiting for you to set foot in our lives. We all loved you. I loved you the most, unconditionally. I loved you more than anyone could possibly have had in your life. I loved you for who you were rather than for the person who you were pretending to be in your professional life. I knew the real you. I chose to ignore the professional 'you' because i knew you had to put up a pretentious face to match with the equally pretentious people around you. I had seen you talking, smiling, conversing, some times intimately, with other guys. I trusted you. I expected you to come to me always at the end of the day. You did initially but then somewhere down the line i got busy and couldn't set aside enough time for you. Tough times overwhelmed you, you needed me, but alas i was away, busy. You found another shoulder to cry upon. That person slowly became your best friend. Soon enough something more than a friend. And eventually everything but a friend. When i came back, realization struck and i immediately knew i was too late when your eyes didn't meet mine with the same love it had radiated, a year ago.
I have to blame myself for having lost you. I should have spent more time with you. I miss you now. I miss you very very much. I miss that part of me which was you. I am half of the guy now than when i was with you. I sometimes try to convince myself that i can forget you and move on but then i realize you were my everything, my very soul found solace in your arms, hence its impossible for me to even think of forgetting you. I knew we had the best of times when we were together. We rarely took our eyes of each other. How can i ever forget all those good times we had when we courted and fell madly in love with each other? Your laughs, those kisses, those murmurs in my ears, those whispers of pleasantries. Those unforgettable moments. Those delicious memories. Bliss. We were inseparable. We were meant to be together my dear. Together forever. You wont be able to find anyone better than me for yourself. Now shamelessly but selfishly i ask is it possible for me to have another chance? I promise to be with you always. I can quit work and search for a job in the local. Can i have another chance to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead? Another chance to make my dream of leading a life with you come true? I want to meet you just once. Will be in Derby 4 months later. Please don't say a 'no', cant live with it.
Will wait for your reply. If possible send me your contact number. I Love you.
Yours forever,
Shaun

A month later...

16th June 1943, Derby
Dear Shaun,
I was so glad to hear from you. I had been hoping for some sort of communication from you or about your whereabouts. I was worried to death. I have no words to express how happy i am after seeing your letter. Especially after what happened in the beginning of this year i shouldn't have expected anything from you but deep down inside me i knew that at some point you will remember me and try to contact me.
I remember everything my sweetheart but you need to accept the fact that things have changed. I was crazy for your love in the beginning but when you got busy i confided my feelings in someone else. His name is Ronney Marshall. He's a stock broker too. He is a very nice guy. He has been a pillar of support and a constant companion whenever the going got tough for me. He has done so much for me and i am really grateful to him. We have been dating for almost 6 months now. My folks like him too. Truth is he loves me more than anyone else. I love him too now. We will be getting engaged soon. Probably get married early next year. I have never been happier in my life. I know you still love me dear and probably need me more than ever, but things cant be undone now. I cant be yours. I'm really pained to ask you to search for someone else. Am sure you will find someone better than me. I can always be your friend. Please let me know when you are in town. I would love to meet you. By the way how is work treating you? My telephone connection has been suspended indefinitely as the poles were blown away in a storm last month. Pen me your reply.
Your best friend,
Nancy

A month later...

18th July 1943, London.
Dear Nancy,
As much as I'm happy reading that you are sound and happy I'm equally devastated by your smooth denial of my love. Its so easy for you to say “search for someone else” isn't it? If things were that easy and uncomplicated i wouldn't have bothered writing to you in the first place would i? Please understand. You are my only hope in this world. You are the light at the end of the dark tunnel for me. Please don't do this to me. I cant just move on. Neither can we be just friends. I want you in my life as my partner in happiness and sorrow. I want you to marry you, have kids, buy a ranch in the country side, take you for a horse ride, rest on the green pastures and sing a song looking into your eyes. I have so many dreams for us. I have planned out everything for our future. Please don't push me away. I appreciate the fact that Ronney was beside you taking care of you when i was away but i was away at work. Earning. Struggling. I don't want to sound rude but if anyone has to be your friend, Ronney should, not me. How can he even think of stealing my girlfriend while I'm away?
I was at that segment of my life when i had to work till i bled from my skin. I was always thinking about you. Worried. Missing you so much. Not a day passed by without me shedding a tear thinking of the distance between us. Now i can be with you. Forever. I can do everything right this time. I will be there on the 19th of September. I want to meet you as soon as i reach there.
I love you.
Yours forever,
Shaun

A month later...

15th August 1943, Derby
Dear Shaun,
I know what you must be going through at this point of time. But please understand that the situation is very different now. What has happened has happened and nothing can change now. I know you love me very much but i don't love you anymore. I love Ronney. He is and will be the only guy in my life after this. I don't agree with you when you told he stole me from you. You pursued your so called dream even though my father was generous enough to offer you a respectable post in his company. You were adamant. When you left i was lonely and scared and Rooney was the one who was with me throughout, not you. He proved to be a better partner than you. I am sorry for having told that point blank but thats the truth you will need to acquaint with dear. If you hadn't gone away probably we would have still been together but alas life is a mystery and we cant help falling victims to its nuances.
I want you to move on with your life. I need to speak to you to convince you. I will be at the station to receive you on the 19th.
Your best friend,
Nancy

A month later...

20th September 1943, Derby
Dear Shaun,
Were you sure about the date when you said you would be here on the 19th ? I was there at the station yesterday and I checked all the coaches thinking you might have dozed off in one of them, but i didn't find you. Is everything alright? If you have had a change of plans and are planning to visit Derby later on this year please let me know. I will be waiting for you.
Your best friend,
Nancy

3 months later...

15th December 1943, Derby
Dear Shaun,
I am very disappointed with your behavior. First you make me search every coach in a train and make me look like a fool then to top it up you don't reply to my mail? Are you angry with me? Is that why you are doing this? If you are, let me tell you that i will be sending you a letter every month till you eventually decide to reply. I want us to be friends. Good friends. I want you to be happy. I can sort out things with you only when i can talk to you, thats why im eager to meet you. I don't want you to waste your whole life because of me.
I am waiting for your reply. Please reply as soon as possible.
Your best friend,
Nancy

a months later...

20th January 1944, Derby
Dear Shaun,
I still haven't received any reply from you. Are you keeping fine? I hope you are. I will continue to send you a mail every month until to decide that my mails are worth replying to. Take care.
Your best friend,
Nancy

3 letters and months later...

3rd April 1944, Derby
Dear Shaun,
Fate has played a cruel game with me yet again. My life is in a total mess once again. I am in pain. I am writing this letter with tears crowding my eyes. I should have realized that things were too good to be true. I found out that Ronney was cheating on me. We were engaged just about a week back. One of his colleagues tipped me off about Ronney's other side. He had a secret, intimate and physical relationship with one of his colleagues. He bluntly denied it at first. I trusted him. But once i saw him in an unmistakable posture with the other girl on his desk when i stormed into his cabin planning to surprise him, i knew he was lying. I broke up with him immediately and threw the engagement ring in his face. I cried my heart out for a week. I was completely devastated. I never saw this coming. I thought that my life was stabilizing at last but in the end it turned out to be another game that life had played with me. I am too innocent for this hostile world around me. I need someone who can be with me throughout. That someone is you. Every time i think of happy moments i think of the moments i spent with you. Those were the times i used to relish and till now cherish. I need you dear. I was lying when i said i wasn't in love with you anymore. I still love you as much as i loved you in the beginning. I was just scared that you will leave me alone again and Ronney was manipulating my emotions in his favour. I never let him get physical with me because you are the only man i have ever been with and i wasn't ready for anyone else. Probably thats why that dog went in search of another mongrel. I will never forgive him for cheating me. Even if i do i hope God wont. He will burn in hell. I hate him now. Now when i think of him i only see how much better you were than him even though you were away and how much better our relationship was. Incomparable.
I have been thinking of you incessantly for the past few months. Your undiluted love is what i want. I have no words to express how sorry i am for having chewed your love and hurt you. I can do anything in this world to make it up to you and be yours again. I want to rest there in your arms and discover my smile again. I want to feel your warmth again. I miss your smile. Its with your smile that you floored me didn't you? I want to see that smile and be the reason for it for the rest of our life. I want to marry you and have a dozen kids. I want to give you everything that you dreamed for. Here onwards fulfilling your every desire is my sole purpose in life. My mind body and soul is yours for the taking my love. Please accept me and don't push me away. I f you do i will die that instant. I love you. Will be waiting for your reply.
Yours forever,
Nancy

-------------Shaun worked in the infantry division of the British army.. He was sent on a mission to counter the Nazi infiltration of an allied strong hold in Europe. He was killed in action. He was found clutching a blood stained letter, addressed to Nancy, which he had written to be posted later-----------------------

30th April 1944
Dear Nancy,
First let me tell you im really sorry i couldn't reply to your mail for a few months. I was sent to a secret location in Africa, training for a dangerous mission. We had no access to mail or even a pigeon. I read all your mails the moment i came back to London but hardly had time to scribble a reply because i was whisked away by a general, who wanted me on his mission, the day after i reached London. I am writing this letter as and when im flying over Europe 20 minutes away from parachuting into the enemy lines. This is a very dangerous mission but am sure your love will keep me alive. I will come back to you at any cost.
Am so happy that God had rewarded my resilience and true love, finally. Its a pity that we are so far away right now. If i were with you right now i would hug you tightly, like i never intend to let you away from me ever again and shower you with kisses. I would first kiss your eyes, then your small cute nose and then your lips. I will then carry you in my arms and kiss you once more. Then i will dig myself in your beautiful hair for a while and whisper a 'I love you'. Then upstairs to the bedroom to work on the dozen kids you were taking about.
How stupid can you be to think i would ever push you away? You are my wife. My better half. Even though we aren't married yet i have been living my life till now thinking that you were my wife and you belonged only to me and i to you. We are destined to be together. I cant live without you. You are my very source of life. I need you.
So let me just finish up with my mission and i promise we will go to the country side, sit by a stream, and love each other till the end of eternity. I have so much to tell you and can't wait to see you after such a long time.
Keep the door wide open and wait by the threshold my sweetheart. Come running to me when you spot me at a distance. I don't want to waste time missing you.
I love you.
Yours till the end of time,
Shaun

OPERATION NEPTUNE - By hallaay

2008-04-25T14:31:00.001-07:00

Î, Lieutenant James Hopes was listed up in the platoon, which incidentally was the largest in the British army during the Second World War. Our immediate mission was to capture and secure the strategically important Omaha beach, along the coast of Normandy. This invasion was crucial for our campaign because the allied forces had chalked out the whole campaign after much contemplation and numerous disagreements. If this campaign were successful the Allies would have an upper hand in the war. At the same time any unexpected backlash from the Germans meant a delay in our invasion and a serious set back to our goal, which was to relieve France from Hitler’s hold within a weeks time. After successfully misleading the Germans into thinking that the attack would begin at Calais, which was apparently the closest point for Great Britain to launch a decent attack, the Allies mutually agreed to kick start the campaign on the 4th of June 1944, which was later postponed to the 6th of June due to bad weather. Fortunately for us, 85 – 90% of the German troops were concentrated on the Eastern front and only 50,000 soldiers were deployed in and around Normandy to counter any possible resistance. We were well aware that if we met with stiff German resistance and if they succeded in holding us off for a couple of days, their reinforcements could arrive in time to push us back into the English channel. Hoping for the best, Operation Neptune, as it was codenamed, was finally flagged off on the 6th.
The Royal Australian airforce and the Royal Norwegian Navy had pounded the shores over the past few days, to handicap the German defense, but the post-bombing reports stated that the Germans had burrowed in deep underground shelters and were waiting it out. We were quite optimistic, that the German defense would crumble before our numbers. We had troops from the United states of America, Polish forces, Belgium, Czechoslovakia, Greece and the Netherlands, participating in this invasion. A total of 156,000 troops, the largest seaborne invasion in history, headed towards Normandy.
We were a pack of 45 men, sandwiched into an LCVP (Landing craft vehicle, personnel), which was originally designed to accommodate just 36 souls. There were 50 such ‘Higgins boats’, as the LCVP was fondly known as, heading towards the beach. We were the first wave of the attack, unfortunately. We felt like lambs being marched to the butcher’s shop, blindfolded. Reason being, intelligence information claimed, that the Germans had an array of Mortars lined up on the shore and were complimented by camouflaged enclosures surmounted with machine guns, which had a wide deadly view of the beach ahead. The shores were also littered with metal barricades and barbed wires to hamper our advance. The life expectancy of a soldier was expected to plummet to a mere 30 seconds the moment we stepped on the beach. Now wasn’t that encouraging?
We chopped through the waves and headed, straight as an arrow, towards the beach. We were just a couple of kilometers from Omaha beach. Ten minutes later I will be thrown into the epicenter of the battle and I was petrified at the thought of dodging bullets, grenades and mortar fire and crawling all my way, with hundreds of others, towards a safe zone, which might be nearly 20 to 30 yards away, allowing enough time for the Germans to take leisure in choosing whom to shoot. I clutched the cross hanging from my neck and whispered a prayer.
I had a wife, Emily, and 3 kids, Dan the youngest, Robert the second youngest and tracey the eldest and the most responsible kid i have ever seen, back home in Sussex. Even though i spent most of the time away from home the few days i got to spend with them were invaluable. I owned a small ranch, which was right on the banks of a small river. The house was very dear to us as we had bought it after spending almost 25 years of our lives in a room that was no bigger than a cell. I remember the last time i was home, Dan, had squeaked his first word. It came out as 'wader' which obviously meant 'water'. I was very excited.
I got my call on a beautiful Saturday afternoon asking me to report within two days at the nearest base camp.
Emily came up to me and asked
“Honey...Will you be gone for long?”
“Yes my dear i presume at least 2-3 months or even longer, depending on the darned course of the war.”
“James, please don't go...isn't there some way you can be exempted from this?”
“No love....they would rather shoot me down than exempting me. Moreover my country needs me. I promise you i will be back. We will visit Nanny's when im back.”
I kissed her on her lips, she responded by pressing her face to mine and hugging me. She was trembling. Tears rolled down her cheeks onto mine.
I cupped her face in my palms and looked into her beady beautiful .eyes
“Listen honey....I want you to listen very carefully. Even if you get the letter i want you to repress your grief and concentrate on making our daughter and sons respectable human beings. Make me proud. Understand?”
At this she burst into tears again and hugged me even tightly
“Oh James....please don't leave us...”
As she sobbed in my arms, this heavy feeling seeped into my guts. Was i being foolish?
Would i ever be able to see my family again?
Will i ever be able to see my kids grow?
A swift breeze seemed to answer my questions with the rustle of dead leaves and twigs.
As we neared the coast I managed to catch a glimpse of the beach. It wasn’t anything like a beach. The sand was black in colour and the beach was cratered, probably by allied bombings. I realized that the LCVP would be disembarking us at least 15 yards away from the shore as the blockades prevented access to the shore. That would mean we would have to wade through the waters, which would be hard enough, and be sitting ducks for the German machine gunners perched safely, in their enclosures, on top of the Atlantic wall, which was supposedly built by a rogue named Rommel, a German field marshal. I wondered how many of us were actually going to survive this suicide mission. A chill ran down my spine when I realized that even I could end up being delivered home on four shoulders to be mourned over or get captured and spend an eternity in a German concentration camp till death relieved me. The battle would go on till the triumphant emerged, not before millions lost their lives.
I was shook awake from my thoughts by my best friend Lieutenant James brown. He asked me if I was ok and helped me relax by cracking jokes. I laughed nervously. I looked at him and deep down inside me I realised I might not see him after the battle. I had to be courageous enough to face the facts. I needed to reassure myself that I had to survive this test. I had to live to see another day. I had to accomplish my mission. I was inclined to funnel my thoughts towards modes of survival, tactfulness, depend on my natural instinct to survive and also depend a great deal on lady luck.
The briefing we had on the ship just before our departure was still fresh in my mind. Colonel Norton, had been least descriptive but was very specific with the do’s and don’ts, though he couldn’t help flavoring it with his infamous satirical notes to each of his commands
“Under no bloody circumstance will you stand up unless you want to applaude the enemy machine gunners performance.
You will not, I repeat, will not, disobey any orders of your immediate officers. Those who do, I will make sure are shot in case the enemy doesn’t get him first.
You will not account to heroics; the medics aren’t getting paid for nothing.
And trust me when I ask you keep a leash on your emotions on the battlefield, coz if you lose it, its as good as being dead.
If you get hit, try and keep moving… Blah blah blah…..”
He barked out his commands till he ran out of breath. At the end he surprised everyone by muttering a “God bless you lads” which was so uncharacteristic of him. We realised that his love for the army and the obnoxious nature of this operation had finally got to him.
Ironically the boat traveled faster than my thoughts and in no time we were near drop point. The German machine gunners were already firing at our LCVP. Bullets zinged above us. We could just see thin, quick streaks of lights streaking past us, just inches above our head. The signs were very ominous. I steadied my thoughts and concentrated on the task ahead.
The shutter went down and almost immediately we heard the sound of bullet piercing flesh and the soldiers in the front fell dead. The unmistakable noise of the machine gun firing at a distance was complimented by the sound of bodies being blustered by bullets in quick succession. One by one they slumped to the ground, dead. The soldier in front of me got one in his head and his blood stained my face and shirt almost immediately. Instinctively I ducked and almost immediately a flurry of bullets found their targets behind me. A shower of bullets hit a flurry of soldiers in the next LCVP as well. They were slaughtering us.
Our LSVPs had sailed right into their waiting arms.
There was an explosion right in front of our LCVP followed by a pregnant silence.
Although the silence lasted only a few seconds, some of us took this opportunity and climbed over the side of the vehicle and jumped into the water. James, who had also miraculously escaped, looked dazed but was unscathed. Some of the guys fired in the direction of the machine gun shelters, desperately hoping against all odds that the shot would find its mark.
From my LCVP barely 10 soldiers had escaped the wrath of the German machine gunners. The rest were either dead or injured. We regrouped and slowly advanced. Bullets rained all around us. We kept as low as possible and waded through the waves. I heard a bullet pinging on a helmet and saw one of our soldiers swoon lifelessly into the water. His blood painted the water red around his lifeless body.
Another guy got one right in his chest. He managed a scream before he drowned.
The soldier, with a flame-thrower mounted on his back, had somehow managed to reach the beach and was followed closely by a couple of others. They were crawling towards a barricade when a stray bullet hit the gas cylinder and all three of them burst into flames, among screams of anguish.
An empty LSVP exploded at a distance.
The German mortar fire was making its presence felt.
The explosions were random and unpredictable.
Soon we lost another LSVP, this time with all the soldiers in it.
Some soldiers who were engulfed by fire came running out of it, blinded and waving their hands wildly in the air. The trigger-happy German machine gunners gunned them down mercilessly.
This was hell on earth.
I wound myself up behind a metal barricade and trembled in fear.
“Keep your emotions in check”. I reminded myself.
The bullets deflected off the metallic body making sharp “pinging” metallic sounds.
Soldiers from other LSVPs scurried, aimlessly, across the beach towards the walls.
The Nazi machine gunners went on a rampage. Each wave of soldiers was greeted with bursts of lead.
The beach was scattered with bodies of dead soldiers.
Many were injured. Some could live to see another day whereas the others would bleed to death in the next 15 minutes.
One of them had a gaping slash across his abdomen and was clinging onto his intestines, which were gushing out along with his other organs.
James ran up to an adjoining barricade and hid behind it.
Those who were embarking from the LSVPs made a dash for the barricades.
The German Machine gunners were having difficulty sighting us as the mortar firing on the beach had spewed up dark smoke screens which seemed to provide some of us temporary cover for a while.
They panicked and started firing wildly.
They were severe on the LSVPs though and fired at will, killing dozens with one squeeze of the trigger.
A body floated up to me, it was decapitated, probably by a shrapnel. I was horrified. I pushed it away. Wondered whom it belonged to.
A shower of bullets deflecting off the barricade, behind which we were hiding.
I noticed a soldier, who had been in our platoon, searching for his severed hand. He eventually found it on the beach but wasn’t too sure if it was his.
A group of soldiers, about 10-15 of them, made a dash for the safety of the slope from where an attempt could have been made to silence the gunners but they barely made half way before they were mowed down by the machine gunners. Al of them slumped to the ground and they weren't capable of making anymore movements.
We had to get rid of the machine gunners. We had to take them down.
They owned the beach; we were the trespassers. We were paying a heavy price for challenging them.
The LSVPs containing the second wave had halted at a safe distance and were waiting for us to take the beach, which wasn’t happening to their dismay.
As far as I could make out about 90 of us were left on the beach, bundled up behind the barricades.
The machine gunners weren’t getting easy targets now.
Just when I was wondering what we could do to break this stalemate the captain shouted.
“Lads there’s a trench near the wall. We need to take cover there to press forward. Use your smoke bombs to get cover.”
That made sense.
We unplugged the smoke bombs and threw the cans onto the beach. Almost immediately a dense screen of dark brownish smoke covered the beach.
We ran for our lives.
The confused and alarmed machine gunners ran amok and fired randomly into the smoke hoping to get us.
I had traveled half the distance when there was an explosion nearby. I hit the dirt. But was back on my feet in no time. I heard someone screaming in pain behind me.
I found another guy wounded by the blast.
I grabbed him by his collar and dragged him behind me.
Then suddenly the smoke seemed to fade away. The wind was whisking it away, blowing our cover.
There was another explosion nearby. Near enough to throw me a feet in the air. I got up and crawled back to the wounded soldier and tugged at him.
Surprisingly he weighed lesser. The portion of his body below his chest was missing. He wouldn't have needed it either, he was dead.
The machine gunners were elated. They were back in action.
The mortar firing started again.
We were trapped. We couldn’t turn back. We were left with no other option but to sprint 30 yards to the trench.
I ran for my life. So did James, close behind me. We were about ten yards from the trench.
A soldier behind me stepped on a mine and an explosion followed. I was airborne for a moment. I landed 10 meters away. James was beside me too. I saw an impaired hand, covered with blood, next to me. I stood up and without looking back, called out to James to follow.
“I c-can’t.” Said James. His voice clearly seemed to be overwhelmed with pain.
I quickly turned back to confront a gory sight.
James had lost his leg in the explosion. He was clutching the blood squirming portion below his knee. The portion below his knee-cap was missing. The gruesome sight churned my stomach.
I rushed to his side and tried to comfort him.
He was in pain. Excruciating pain.
“Medic!! We need a Medic here. Lawson, god damn it where are you?’ I screamed.
No response. Another mortar explosion nearby showered us with mud and debris.
I took out my bandana and tied it tightly around his thigh, hoping to stem his blood from gushing out.
He screamed in pain.
“Don’t worry James, you will be all right. Let this battle end. I promise we will go fishing at the spot near my home, I told you earlier, where we can camp and have a jolly good time.”
He looked up at me. A smile streamed across his face.
Then, as I was looking at him a bullet pierced through his helmet and his head hung lifelessly.
I knew this was coming. At least he died a hero.
Died for his country.
Concealing a tear I picked up my Lee-Enfield and rushed back towards the trench.
I made it.
I pullet out the bayonet from my backpack and slid it onto the mouth of my gun.
I was ready to kill.
About 40 of us made it to the trench.
We sighted a narrow path leading to the top of the wall from where the German line could be breached.
The machine gunners concentrated their fire at the edge of the trench, trying desperately to take us down, forcing us to remain where we were, probably figuring out that their control over the wall was in peril. A breach would be a huge setback for the Germans, as the walls were the only defense they had against us until their reinforcements arrived. Their reinforcements would take atleast two days to arrive and it was virtually impossible for them to hold on any longer. Our victory was inevitable.
There was a huge explosion to the right.
A mixture of body parts and blood rained around us.
They were chucking grenades at us.
One of our machine gunners who had managed to make it to the trench stationed his gun over the edge and trained the gun at the slit in the enclosure through which the Germans fired at us.
He seemed to be in rage. He fired incessantly.
The Germans in the enclosure immediately took cover.
This was our chance.
I jumped up and sprinted towards the narrow path.
Others followed me.
It was quite steep and was difficult to climb with 20kgs of supplies on our back. We managed to climb half way through. I was in the lead.
I fired a shot into the enclosure and i could swear i heard a German die.
I had killed the first German in this battle.
Almost immediately I noticed something small and black rolling down the slope at us.
It was a grenade!
There was nowhere to run. I dived desperately to the right.
There was a deafening explosion. I was catapulted into the air. I landed like a ragged doll at some distance from the path that we were climbing and rolled down the slope uncontrollably. I came to rest at the bottom of the hill and I lost consciousness.
When I came around I found myself in a pool of blood.
A mincing pain ran through my hand and the splinters on my face agonized me further.
I was glad when i sat upright almost immediately and found both my legs intact except for a burn or two.
But I soon realized that I had lost three fingers on my left hand. Where once stood my little finger, ring finger and my middle finger, I found a blood-oozing crevasse, which ran through diagonally from my index finger till my wrist. The pain was excruciating. I screamed in agony.
Somebody ran up to me and kneeled down beside me.
The Red Cross on his helmet comforted me.
He bound whats remaining of my palm heavily with bandage and injected me with a painkiller. I felt better.
“Quite a nasty one you have here mate. How you feeling now?”
“Better…uhh” I managed to squeak.
“Guess what? we took the beach sooner than expected. You can expect a party by the fire side, late in the night, when we camp.”
He looked really happy. It irritated me.
I managed supress an urge to slap him.
“How many men did we lose?” I snapped back at him expressionlessly.
The smile vanished from his face instantly.
“Well..according to General Bromley….er….the count is estimated to be around 1900 men…but I guess it could be more, taking into account the number of bodies which weren’t recovered from the drowned LCVPs”
I felt devastated. 1900 men? Make it 2000….dead!!
“They didn’t die for nothing…the invasion has started…the war will be over soon.”
“Not before countless women are widowed, mothers are made son less and so on…. this war is evil”
“Yeah I agree…. it is…but that’s the way its been, it is and will be.”
“Uhhhh…help me up…er…sorry, whats your name?”
“Templeton sir…You can call me temple. Am from the Red Cross as you might have noticed.”
He gripped my hand and helped me up. The pain had subsided by then.
I got a good look of the scene around me. Almost all the German enclosures were up in flames. That made quite a sight. Nothing could have made me happier.
There was momentary relief.
The beach was littered with bodies of soldiers. Some being attended to, some abandoned. The medics were scurrying from one body to the other looking for signs of life.
The once blue waves had a red tinge to them, for quite evident reasons, when they seeped the shores.
The tide was rising. Some of the bodies on the shore were being washed away, swallowed by the sea.
“Temple…can you please take me to the top of the hill. I just want to see our trophy.”
“Trophy?!”
“Yeah…our objective....the Omaha beach....come with me. Please.”
“Sure thing..”
We slowly made our way up the slope, to the top of the hill. As we climbed the horrific image of the grenade bouncing down the path flashed before me.
The path was drenched in blood. The ground bled when i stepped on it.
I stopped in my tracks and closed my eyes for a second.
“What happened sir?” a curious looking Temple asked.
“Have you ever been on the field during the battle?”
“No sir…why do you ask?”
I ignored his question.
He didn’t bother to retaliate to my cold behavior. He must have thought i had lost it.
Temple found an injured soldier and galloped up to him.
I stood there alone watching the scene.
Some German prisoners were being hushed away in a line at gun point. They bore a look of disbelief and probably were finding it hard to believe that they had relinquished a crucial frontier. The war could only go in our favor now. Hitler's days were numbered. The allies would disembark here, reorganize and launch a hurricane push towards Germany, vaporizing any insignificant German defense on the way.
Some of the soldiers were dancing to the tunes on the radio, some were immersed in thoughts, some in grief of losing their friends or comrades.
A group of US soldiers were in a heated argument over who had killed the most Germans. One of them eventually overshadowed the others when he said he claimed 34 German lives.
My job was done. I had fought for my country or to be more precise fought for my own survival. I had succeeded.
I was a hero now.
I had taken the side of the good, in the battle between good and evil and though the going was tough i discovered that part of me which i never expected would surface and eventually overwhelm me.
Finally i will be allowed to take a few months off work to spend quality time with family.
I silently told myself “Emily. Honey. I'm coming home. Keep the door open.”

Lonely--------Mile-------------

2008-02-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

The emptiness inside me is for real,
My life is meaningless, I feel,
Not once but twice, cheated,
With malice was I treated.

I was down and out, inconsolable,
In rage, undeniable.
Turmoil flooded days of mine,
Sleepless teary nights from nine.

I laugh at myself, half crying,
With every smile, unfailingly lying.
Scorching memories hurt the most,
waves of remorse hit heart’s coast.

Every moment I think, am I the man I Am not supposed to be?
Or is it just, all I don’t have, that I see?
Don’t I deserve true love, like all others do?
Or am I to remain a loser, one of the few?

Death, a distant enticement, less an option,
Life unlivable, can’t conjure up a solution.
Living hell on earth. Inevitable,
Other’s fortune, painfully enviable.

Remorse is all I have left in my soul,
Loneliness, depression have taken their toll,
A dead weight I have become on this world,
But deep inside me, buried, wisdom untold.

Do not fall in love I would preach,
If you do, do not lose, I would teach,
Or you could forget to live and to smile,
And like me, forever, walk the lonely mile.
- The Hallaay

The breeze, Bob and I

2008-01-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

The day was perfect for a long ride. The breeze was steady, warm but not hot. The sun played hide and seek with the clouds but hid most of the time. There was a slight drizzle or a sprinkle should I say, in the air, yet it was negotiable. The traffic was surprisingly tolerable. My Digi cam was ready for its first mission. My best buddy, my bike, the Bajaj Pulsar 150CC dtsi, ‘BOB’ as I fondly called him, was all fuelled up and sparkling clean for the long journey. I don’t like referring to him as ‘it’ because ‘he’s’ more of a family member and probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my ordinary life. My spirit was high, so was my friend’s, Krishna, a human friend this time.

Our destination was Mahabalipuram and we also planned to visit some beaches on our way, if time permited. I slipped on my favourite red t-shirt, my woefully worn out dirty blue jeans and made sure I wore my black gloves as well to go with it. I might have looked a bit ridiculous but I have always dreamed of dressing up like that for the ride, cared two hoots for what others thought about it. Oh and I almost forgot to mention my black goggles to top it up. I might have looked like a hooligan but I loved it either ways. Krishna’s appearance was quite modest, as always. A simple t-shirt to go with his clean blue jeans made us look like total opposites. In a way he made me feel guilty.

So all three of us started at around 10 in the morning. I decided not to tell my mom, as she would have freaked out at the idea of me traveling long distances on my bike, but I kept my friend’s mom informed, just in case. I picked up Krish on my way and bid adieu to his Bro who looked disheartened at the fact that he wasn’t a part of the troop. I later learnt from Krish that it was his dream to go with me for a long ride on my bike. I felt sorry for him and wished I could take him as well, but alas Bob could accommodate just two clowns ata time. Maybe next time, whenever that is.

I threaded Bob through the city traffic and was just waiting to break into the spacious inviting roads of the east coast road. The city roads were usually sickening. The nauseatingly slow moving cars whose drivers probably thought they had all the time in the world to reach their destination. They were equally contested impatient reckless autorikshaw drivers rode as if they had forgotten their father’s birthday. Cyclists who just seemed to appear out of thin air to block our way. Then to glorify the insanity the insane bus drivers who sped up behind you blared their horns often, to give you Goosebumps. The unpredictable share autos who swerved ominously to their left and right, carelessly, with least consideration for other commuters lived up to their reputations of being "rodents of the road". To top it all, the most dangerous of the lot, last but not the least, the pedestrians who danced across the road, probably expecting an applause from the motorists for their performance. I gave one such pedestrian an ear full, in return, he blinked at me with utmost innocence. Frankly, I hated the city streets but to tell you the truth, I had got used to it. Probably, surviving the city traffic had elevated my patience level to new heights over the years.

Finally we broke through the traffic. Bob and I hungrily laid my eyes on the black smooth tar road ahead of us, the beautiful scenic East coast road. Bob’s engine roared enthusiastically and comfortably climbed up to 80 kmph. I was at my happiest. I was in union with nature. The rain sprinkling on my face, the roar of Bob’s engine and the incessant ‘whoosh’ of the wind sneaking past my ear, through my helmet, was all I could feel. I overtook the other vehicles effortlessly, making them look embarrassingly stationary and silently sneered at them as I zoomed past them. The road divider seemed to just stream past me like a ravaging river. The road was smooth, so was Bob. It made me doubt if we were really flying at one point of time. Every pedestrian seemed to grow from an inch to his/her actual height within seconds before becoming insingnificant. I was in total bliss.

I concentrated hard on the road, as this road had a reputation for taking plenty of lives and I didn’t want to add to the body count. The curves were dangerous and the maneuvers were complex, at 90kmph the slightest miscalculation or the slightest element of doubt during maneuvers could be fatal. I still managed to exceed my bike-riding skills by taking those curves without much fuss. Bob was great to ride and especially on the freeway he was a pleasure. He was reliable even though the roads were wet and was a delight when it came to riding comfort. Bob made my dream come true. Ever since my college days i had enviously eyed the fashion parade of bikes early in the morning when college started. I had promised myself that i would be a subject for envy one day with my bike. After finishing my 1st year at work i assured myself that i had enough finance to invest in a bike. Bajaj launched the new variant Pulsar with digital display, LED taillights, meaner looks and complimented by better performance. I knew that was exactly what i had been waiting for. His sleek body and tantalizing design had its own appeal and a red dragon shaped ‘S’ sticker on the hood gave him a seductive personality. He was worth every penny I spent on him. Maybe more. It took me less than a month to expertise riding the bike. Bob, zoomed into my life and changed my whole perception towards life. He had become something more than a bike for me, we had become inseparable friends. Ever since I bought him, we had always been complimenting each other. He made sure I got noticed and I reciprocated. The first time I mounted him I could have sworn that my bike whispered “I had been waiting for you.” My adventurous relationship with him started that very moment. I love Bob and he loves me back. Man and machine, best friends for life.

Going at top speed on the freeway on a macho bike, with picture perfect sceneries skirting the freeway, was always something I had dreamed about since childhood. As I sped along the freeway I noticed a police patrol car, decorated with prominent flickering blue lights on the roof, parked by the roadside at a distance. An immediate, deliberate transition took place. The speed came down to mid 50’s and my posture changed to that of an innocent looking rider who’s never been over 50 kmph in his life. The cops bought the act. As I had rightly anticipated they didn’t bother to pay much heed to me and focused on a speeding car behind me. It was probably breakfast time and they obviously needed a fat bribe. A speeding car would probably squeeze out enough fine to finance them breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. As soon as we passed them I dropped my pretentious posture and got back to where I had left off, as I was quite confident that we had seen the last cops for miles to come, considering that it was a Monday. Cops rarely patrol the freeways during weekdays but their activity increases during the weekends to floor weekend drunk drivers and filthy rich arrogant brats on four wheelers or two wheelers.

I peeped curiously into the rear view mirror and smiled slyly as I saw the car being stopped by desperate cops with outstretched arms, barricading the road, much to the dismay of the dismayed car driver. Bob and I roared down the road and a scream of relief and delight escaped my throat “Yeeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”.

Bob sped like a predator as if in pursuit of an imaginary prey. Black and mean, Bob, was like a cheetah with a ‘never say die’ attitude paralleled by a storehouse of demonic energy and of course with a voracious appetite for adventure. With him I felt like a superhuman. Bob and I merged into one unperceived entity. Man and machine, immortalized by unending thirst for thrill, adventure and adrenaline pumping action. We took a pit stop at the Kovalam beach lookout point. I parked my bike and decided a nice snap with Bob would not be a bad idea. One nice snap led to another and I ended up spending almost 15 minutes posing and snapping pics, more than a super model would for a men’s health magazine. Poor Krishna had to do the honors of taking my pics and im sure he lost his appetite at the end of the session.

We then shifted our attention to the speciality of that place, the beautiful, sparkling beach which was about a kilometer away. It was a picture that deserved a painting. The sand, gold in colour was romanced by the sky blue sea, which kissed the shore tenderly ever so often. A catamaran, witnessing this love duel, danced on the waves, while the fishermen on it struggled to pull in their catch. The sea was further decorated by few unperturbed ships, which seemed to form a necklace on the horizon. A flock of seagulls, with milk white wings, flew high in the air over the bay, with broken clouds leaking beams of sunlight through, framing the background as if completing nature’s attire. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes to visualize the spectacle before me. It was just impossible to recreate. It was too beautiful. The spellbinding beauty instantly vaporised the stress, which had accumulated over a period of months at work. My soul was cleansed, felt more like rebirth. I was lost in the moment. Totally lost. Is this how heaven is? Or is it better. If it were better, how beautiful would that be? However it was, am sure it would be blindingly beautiful. This was probably the first time I had made acquaintance with nature, and I didn’t want this moment to end anytime soon.

We captured the beauty as much as possible with my cam and left.The smell of wet mud accompanied us throughout our long journey. We were speeding against the wind so I found it a little uncomfortable to stretch beyond the 95kmph mark. The digital speedo creeped up to 98 kmph, when I decided to maintain the speed for the rest of the journey. I overtook a bus smoothly, but not before being covered with a fine spray of mud, straight off the wheels of the bus. Krish escaped the mud bath as he hid behind me, while I ended up getting a generous layer of mud on my face making me look more like a wretched character straight out of one of Stephen king’s novels. I should have felt stupid enough to stop and wipe my face clean but I continued unscathed. I felt a satisfaction sweep through me. The mud was all I required to make me a complete biker. The wind, the mud and my speeding bike completed the recipe for a complete bike ride. I switched on the wolf-eyed lamps, which glamorized Bob a bit. Made him look more radical, as well as attract the attention of the oncoming traffic. Bob and I loved attention. I remember counting every head glued with a mesmerized looking face, which turned along the road and on other vehicles that we overtook, during the journey.

We had a hair raising moment when a Qualis, that we overtook a short while back, rushed past us, missing us by barely a couple of inches. It was so close that it almost brushed Krish’s protruding knee by the side of the bike. Thankfully I held my nerve and held the bike steady, if not, it would have been RIP for Krish, Bob and I. I was horrified for a moment. It was as if I had seen death smile wickedly at me from ear to ear, in close up. I slowed down a bit to recollect my composure and then once I stabilized, I sped up again. Krish, who was aghast by the narrow escape, heaved a sigh of relief down the back of my neck. The road just reeled past us as though Bob was devouring it. The milestones seemed to be popping up ever so often. I barely noticed a sign, which said ‘Mahabalipuram - 10 km’. Its then that I decided to slow down Bob, as I didn’t want him to overheat his engine and lead to unpleasant complications that I suppose I wasn’t ready to deal with. We came down to 50kmph and maintained it till we reached a sign, which read “ WELCOME TO MAMALLAPURAM”. Destination reached.

Took us a little past 1 hour to reach there but that one-hour lasted a life time and my mind, body and soul amalgamated into a state of harmony and peace, which doesn’t happen that often for me. Am sorry I didn’t mention much about Krish because all he did was just stick to my back all through the journey and squeak an occasional irritating “ go slow da” only to find me going faster. Obviously Bob and I don’t know how to go slow. Eventually he got off the bike, after perhaps the ride of his life, with his hair spiked up and eyes blown dry and said “Dude…when do we do this again??”.“Hopefully very soon.” I replied with a tired smile. By far, this episode in my life had all been about the breeze, Bob and me.

Forgive thy blasphemy

2008-01-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

For those, who deny the divine,
for those, blinded by theses of mortals,
feels sorry for you, this heart of mine,
hell beckons, thou shall relinquish heaven's portal.

For god gives you enough time, reform yourselves,
sight his clues of existence, his creations,
nature's intricate designs, death, worldly abberations,
all around you, inside you, in your very existence he dwells.

Thy words hurt him, makes his heart heavy,
thy influence makes others reconcile their trust
weak minds falter, feeding thy lust,
But i waver not. Instead, beg almighty, to forgive thy blasphemy

- hallaay